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Comparing with others… It’s the biggest mistake that I made when I was an overwhelmed working mom who was crashing a few years ago.
The comparison game is another form of envy.
I compared my kids’ childhood to my own childhood… I had two parents who stayed together. I lived on a farm with a stay at home mom and a stay at home dad. If I needed or wanted my parents, one of them was always there.
We had animals galore and could freely tame them and play with them… calves, kittens, puppies, pigs, sheep, goats. It was a child’s dream come true! We were barefoot farm kids.
We had the kind of home where youth group could be hosted, neighbors could gather, the church picnic could be held. The supper table was often set for more places than our big family because someone always had a friend or two over and it was welcomed!
We went to church as a family on Sundays, Bible study on Wednesdays and Youth Group on Fridays. I practically grew up at the church and it felt safe, like home.
My own children were not growing up with ANY of that! I was divorced and remarried. Our house was a small rental and we weren’t allowed to have animals, never mind make a living off the land. Both myself and my husband worked… in fact I had up to 3 jobs at a time. My husband wasn't that comfortable having company over or going to church. My kids didn’t really want to go to youth group, Bible Study or Church.
I compared my home to the other women I knew who were working and parenting at the same time…
Their homes were generally clean. Somehow they went to bed with the dishes done. They still had people over for meals or coffee or a games night. They took good care of their yards. They owned their homes and did reno projects.
Although at times, my house was super clean, in regular, everyday life, my home was messy, floors needed doing, dusting was way behind, and dishes often were neglected at night because I was too burnt out to deal with it. We were long term renters so renos for home improvement projects or landscaping for the yard were never on the radar.
Company coming was a mad dash to get things put away and cleaned up. Though the natural bent of my heart was to be a hostess whose home was welcoming and open to others, it was stressful preparing for company.
I compared my marriage to other couples who seemed to do life together; Made plans for family, vacations, camping and friendships together. Had the odd date night. Cleaned up supper together. Went to kids’ events together. Split household and yard chores. Shared responsibility for the kids’ rearing. Took responsibility for financial planning and goals together.
Our marriage was hit or miss for teamwork in all of those areas. It felt mostly like “miss” and I felt pretty alone.
The list goes on and on. Everywhere I looked seemed to display families who were better, stronger, healthier, more put together than ours - including the one in my memory from my childhood.
Until I stopped comparing and started creating joy in our own home.
Most of the difficulties I listed above still existed. But the ongoing trials stopped being the focus of my days. Stopping comparisons (envy) freed me up to see the beauty in the moments, to laugh more, to stop wasting my kids’ childhood and my own days in wishing it were different and instead, finding our own rhythm - different than many others and different than my own idyllic childhood.
Proverbs 14:3 says “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. I didn’t want to associate with the bone rotting envy anymore. I chose peace. The peace of God that surpasses understanding. Because I wanted LIFE in my body and in my family. Not rotten bones in my soul, destroying our home.
Stopping comparing made room for:
- making games out of housework - even if everyone didn’t participate.
- Making creative cheap adventures such as the “Webster Family Fun Picnic” or the “Amazing Spring Break Stay-Cation” or playing “Fear Factor” of our own version, and having a “Chopped” cooking competition.
- Creating our own traditions such as “the special plate”, “Autumn walk in the Sandhills” and “Butchering Chickens Day” while stopping stressing over if everyone participated or acted the way I wanted them to. It was going forth anyway and we would make it fun.
- Developing my own strong friendships with amazing women that helped fill those gaps where I was feeling so alone before.
- Going ahead and doing life anyway, even if everyone didn’t join in (church, vacations, family gatherings, friends over) and instead of grieving the fact that not everyone was engaging, I chose to be present in the moment ANYWAY and celebrated the fact that some of us were there and that was enough.
- Celebrating the WINS of what we were doing instead of beating myself up over what still had to be done. Like actually celebrating. Baking a cake because we got the room clean even though there were still 6 rooms that were pretty disastrous. We looked away from the disastrous rooms and high-fived over the one we conquered.
- Developing my own interests and skills so I could still be the woman I was called to be even when my circumstances were not what I dreamed of.
How did I stop comparing??
Click here for the free printable checklist of what helped me move from comparing to thriving (envy to peace). You can hang it where you can see it to stop comparison in its tracks when it pops in your head again.
- I become aware of the thoughts I had. I had to chose to stop negative repetitive thoughts in my mind, playing that reel of all the disappointments and offences. I replaced them with thoughts of the beauty to be appreciated, thoughts that were hopeful and lovely now, with the good that was already around me and the good to come. It was a real discipline.
2. Journaling, journaling, journaling. I journaled everything from brain dumps to free flow writing to gratitude lists to simply writing "God, help! I don't know what to do!" at the top of the page.
According to the Recall team in their article, "Understanding the Neuroscience Behind Journaling", there are so many profound things that happen in the brain when we journal, including:
- activates the parasympathetic nervous system, aka the “rest and digest” response which counters the effects of the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for the “fight-or-flight” response.
- activates the prefrontal cortex, the area associated with higher-order thinking and decision-making, helps you gain a sense of control over your emotions and promotes emotional regulation.
- The default mode network (DMN) of your brain becomes active which allows you to access and process memories, thoughts, and emotions associated with past experiences
- engages the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, enhancing executive functions like planning, decision-making and problem solving.
- activates multiple sensory and cognitive areas of the brain which helps connect new information with existing knowledge, fostering a deeper understanding.
- the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, becomes less activated and to a decrease in stress hormone levels, such as cortisol, resulting in a state of calmness and relaxation.
Here is my favourite journal/notebook set. Strong coils, lined thick paper, lovely hard covers. Click the picture to order your own. 
3. Prayer. You've heard of people getting on their knees and crying out to God? Yep, I did this, for real! Right down on my knees!
There was something so freeing about submitting myself completely, physically and vulnerably to God who made me with a purpose. God with all the power in the universe. God who included precious details in the Bible for me to find such as
Psalm 56:8 "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle." He keeps a bottle of our tears because He cares so much about our pain.
Or scripture such as
Matthew 10:29-31 "Are not two little sparrows sold for one copper coin? And yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." I can trust that He sees and cares about my circumstances and STILL has plans for me and my family. What a comfort to pray to my God who cares about me so very much.
4. I developed friendships with women who saw me, cared about me, loved my kids, didn't keep me in the "complain" mode, but rather prayed with me, encouraged me to get help, brought me meals, increased the fun factor of my life... you know, the true blue kind you only hear about in movies.
5. I got a life coach! She didn't tell me what to do, but asked me good questions so I could discover the answers myself and it gave me the confidence to have a voice and act on what I COULD do in the circumstances.
6. I relentlessly removed things/people from my life that thrive on comparisons and the negative cycle. That meant creating distance with some acquaintances, and changing what I looked at on social media. (Did you know that if you only comment or "like" posts that actually add value to your life instead of getting you stirred up, your feed starts to show only that good stuff? Also, did you know you become like the 5 people you spend the most time with?)
7. I read a book called "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick. This book showed me what was healthy and what was not healthy in relationships and how I could be well, whole and even thrive, despite people in my life who might not have been in a healthy place. This book was a wake up call and an excellent tool to help me communicate better, understand boundaries better and just rise up to be the woman I was meant to be despite my circumstances. To order you own book, click the picture.
8. I listened to only uplifting, soul feeding music. Which for me was worship music such as Hillsong or Elevation. Before that, I was listening to songs that felt like they understood what I was going through and made me cry. One friend who was working with me one day said, "Boy, your playlist is pretty depressing." That was a wake up call for how I was feeding the negative refrain in my thoughts.
9. I started to look for purpose in every day, and every interaction. I believe that God created me for this time and this place and although I was wishing my dreams and desires were a little more like my reality, I knew in my heart that there were many purposes for me being where I was.
I remember a friend telling me about her mom's philosophy. Her mom was a survivor of a residential school and could see the devastation around her. She would say very seriously to her children and friends, "We have a lot of work to do." Rather than laying down and saying she was a victim. NO! She was going to be part of the healing, part of the solution. This was very inspiring to me.
10. I found small ways to bring joy into my life. Coffee with a friend. Fly a kite with my child. Invite someone over to bake together. Go for a walk in nature and BE PRESENT, soaking it in quietly. It made my life sweeter.
11. I took control of the things I could take control of - instead of being paralyzed in my sadness. Created a budget. Made a meal plan. Washed my dishes. Started doing a load of laundry every day. Brainstormed with my kids ideas for traditions that could be uniquely ours. Taking some positive concrete action steps gave me a sense of continuing on with a better life.
12. I forgave myself for those things I could have made better decisions on, which might have given me different results for my life and my children's childhood. I was able to do this through prayer and by writing a letter to the 16 year old me, so full of ideals and hopes... I wrote to that young woman with deep compassion, encouraging her and advising her for the journey ahead - not changing her decisions, but preparing her for them. And it was POWERFUL! I had so much empathy for that teenage girl which translated into empathy and forgiveness for the middle aged me.
Stopping comparisons helped me begin to be a conqueror instead of a victim. Envying what I saw everyone else being, doing and having was not the woman I was called to be.
I was called to make the changes that I could make, accept the things I could not change, and thrive anyway. So that is what I did.
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